i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
