maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
