When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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