DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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