I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
