trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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