i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
