I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
