i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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