Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
