It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
