Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He felt like a one man threesome
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
