That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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