i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she smelled like a LAN party
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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