im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
