Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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