i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
