You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
