I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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