Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
