Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize