I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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