if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize