There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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