I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
