she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
40s are totally the cure
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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