11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
