I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
