did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Randomize
