I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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