I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
