Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
