K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
