found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
