I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize