I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
