What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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