The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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