i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Randomize
