and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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