she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize