Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
