Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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