If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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