apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize