My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize