for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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