Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
