Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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