Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
