I love black thongs
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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