the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
