mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I am naked and annoyed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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