as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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