i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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