Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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