my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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