I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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