i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
