I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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