hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
And then he peed in my hair
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
