Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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