She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
