I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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