Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm always down for nudity.
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