Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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