Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
