he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
