I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
