mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Drunk is not a location!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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