Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
