My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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